The euphoria of the quick crafting at the end of last week has worn off and I find myself in need of another fix, but yet, quite unmotivated to go after it. In part, I am waiting for some supplies for my Father's Day dop kits. But mostly, I am just feeling tired and unsure. Unsure about my ability to craft, unsure about my ability to do my (new) job and unsure about my ability to parent. As I sit here writing, I feel as if I am madly flailing about trying to keep all the balls in the air.
As mentioned in the last post, I just started a new job and when I left my old job, I only had a week to train someone in my duties. So that last week of the old job was extremely stressful as I tried to get someone up to speed as well as get as much done as humanly possible. Then, of course, came the stress of starting the new job and trying to learn every detail in two weeks.
In that last week of work, I also learned that Dare Bear's daycare provider had a medical emergency and would be unable to watch him indefinitely. So we also had to find a replacement daycare provider (THANK YOU MOM) and then, had to make the decision to find a new daycare provider as well as find said daycare provider. The hardest part was probably the fact that we felt extremely guilty for leaving our injured daycare provider. But, while we were fortunate enough to have my mom available to watch Dare, she went on vacation for 10 days this past Sunday and it was a choice of starting a new provider hunt two weeks ago or start it next week. We chose the former to minimize the stress to all parties, but still there is some guilt about leaving our former daycare provider who watched Dare for the past 2 years. Thankfully, our first two days with the new daycare provider have been absolutely wonderful - Dare has come home happy, adjusted very, very quickly, and seems to be blossoming before our eyes. It helps that some of the things we didn't like about the old daycare are not an issue here. When we pick up Dare, we get to go into the house and see Dare interact with the other kids. Drop-off and pick-up time is quick, efficient and informative. So this was all-in-all a very good change, but the ramp up to the change was a little fraught.
The new job is awesome - awesome co-workers, awesome clients, awesome environment. I couldn't be happier in this position. I will be mixing my administrative knowledge with client centered care/front line social work, taking what I have been doing and mixing it with what I used to do just after college. But as I train with my predecessor, my insecurities have blossomed. I have gone from knowing that I was rocking a job to not knowing whether I will rock this job as well as my predecessor. Logically, I know I will make this job my own and I know that it's not a competition. My predecessor is me at my old job. Whoever takes over will have big shoes to fill. And after late nights, fitful sleeps, and other confidence issues, there's the little voice of doubt growing larger and larger.
The sphere of parenting... I fully admit that I should be a better parent. I need more patience - and sleep would help that immensely - and I need to play more with my kids. My relationship with Nana Bear can be contentious - I see too much of myself in her and I want her to be better than me. I want both of them to go farther, travel more, be more than me. Getting them there - that's the challenge. Maintaining a sense of calm is a struggle. I wish I could just let things be...
Finally, my crafting. I find great joy in crafting for my friends and family. I find great joy in coming up with my own patterns, no matter how simple they may be, and no matter how unprofessional the results may look. And I would like nothing more than to put an item for sale on Etsy. But again, the doubt bubbles to the surface as the opportunity to actually put an item on Etsy presents itself. The "What ifs" abound in my head making it hard to sleep. What if it doesn't sell? What if someone buys it but doesn't think it's well made. What if, what if, what if... So on and so forth until the crafting what ifs merge with the parenting what ifs merge with the job what ifs, etc.
I told my cousin recently, there is no greater fear than fear itself, and that is certainly true. Hopefully when the world settles down again - when I find the rhythm of the new job, when I actually start going to bed on time - I will find the space to silence the fear and to move on with my crafting. But until then, I need one less ball to juggle and to focus on the things that are truly important - my family and friends and my job (because without that there would be a whole lot more to be stressed about).